The best time of day

Bedtime is the best time of the day. Not only because I can finally get something done around the house, but also because of the ritual that I have come to cherish--nursing Nicholas to sleep. It doesn't matter what happens during the day or how frustrated we both get during waking hours because at night I get to hold him in my arms, watch his little eyes dart from my eyes, to my mouth, and back again and feel his body relax against mine.

I use this time to whisper apologies to him for losing my patience or tell him how much I love him. Sometimes I like to write letters to him in my head.
"Dear Nicholas,
I remember when you were only a few months old and I would hold you in my arms every night before you went to bed. What I remember most about the first three months of your life is how happy you were---you were always quick to smile and laugh. Every morning I got to come into your room (after a blessed full-night's sleep because you started sleeping 10-12 hours when you were only 3 months old) and you'd be laying in your crib gurgling and cooing to yourself. As soon as I said your name, your eyes would light up and your arms would start flailing around as you looked for my face. The instant you saw me, you started smiling and laughing---moving your arms and legs in the way that says "Pick me up, Mom!! Pick me up!" Even when you were sick, you were always able to smile and play with me. I loved that."

Other times I just watch him sleep and marvel that Mando and I created this little guy in my arms. When he sleeps I can see his face age ten years, it seems, and I can see the valiant young man that he will become. Often times I feel, quite distinctly, that he has many guardian angels watching over him. Many people on the other side of the veil are helping him out all the time. I think he had a lot of friends before he came down here, and it was a little difficult for him to come and leave them behind. But he gets to see them from time to time as he dreams... that's why sometimes he smiles with his eyes even when they're closed.

I love the feeling of his trust and love for me. He is completely vulnerable sleeping in my arms, but he knows and trusts that it is a safe place to rest his head. Mother's body warmth and smell= safety and love.

I love that nursing can calm him down no matter how worked up he gets. Even if Mando got him laughing so hard that he can no longer control his arms and legs and he starts hitting himself in the face--- all I have to do is latch him on and watch as his breathing slows and his heart rate drops. (Of course, those are the nights that take a little longer, but surrender is inevitable :))

I especially love how he shows his emotions as he nurses--- holding on to my finger with his eyes shut tight when he's a little stressed out or over-stimulated, grasping onto my breast with both hands and staring straight ahead when he's really, really hungry, looking into my eyes and simply suckling when he's not feeling well, or (my favorite) moving his arm around and around like the arm of a windmill--touching my skin, my shirt, my hand, my face..touch, touch, touch---when he's curious and exploring.

Yes, bedtime is a magical time, and not just because I get "me" time. Bedtime is my favorite time to be with my son.